Thursday 10 July 2008

BE A HAPPY HOMO


LG takes a step back and offers some sane advice on a no-fuss route to becoming a contented homosexualist:

How Gay Is You?: You don't have to put on a dog collar and wear a cassock to be a priest. By the same token you don't have to dress in Gucci with D&G undies and Emporio Armani sunglasses to be gay. You are gay because that was how you were born, and it had nothing to do with the day you're mum sent you to school in your sister's knickers, cos yours were still wet on the line. Don't fret either about what kind of gay you are. There is no model of gayness that you need to conform to. You won't have to make a choice as to whether you sign up for Camp Norton or count yourself as straight as Simon Cowell. What matters is that you are true to yourself.

The Body Perfect: If you've too little hair, you feel short, you're conscious of your spare tyre and you wish you had a bigger member then there’s a quick and easy solution to these set-backs. It comes in a big bottle marked 'Get Over It - Nobody's Perfect!'. Truth is, we all have limitations and not even David Beckham roles out of bed in the morning beaming with self-satisfaction. No! Trust me - he doesn't! What you can do though is make the most of what you have. If hair loss is a problem, keep what you do have tidy; if it's a spare tyre you're worried about, well a little healthy living might improve that; and as for matters of manhood, it's not what you've got its what you do with.
You may also take comfort from the 'fact' that, apparently, as a gay man you will have a longer and thicker penis than the average; that you'll emit a different armpit odour to your straight counterpart while also preferring hairless ones; or that you are more likely to have a counterwise hair pattern. On the other hand you might prefer to tell yourself that life is too short to spend time worrying about such randomn theories.


Remember the old joke:-


Adam: My mother made me a homosexual.


Steve: If I give her the wool will she make me one too!



The Right Stuff: Looking for Mr.Right is not like shopping for a sofa and you’ll definitely wait more than 28 days for delivery. It takes time. Be prepared also for lots of coffee-dates with guys that on paper seemed perfect, but in real life SO wrong. What's half-an-hour out of your week? Also it's no bad way to meet new friends, even if they turn out not to have the right stuff.


The chances of success in this field are utterly organic and run screaming from the first person that thinks The Apprentice is a good model for boyfriend recruiting. You don't have to jump through anyone's hoops if you don't want to. You'll know it's right when you feel it, but a word of caution - you can never be sure that he's going to feel it the same way. These things take their time and you could well get to a situation where you're ready to pick out the furniture but he's thinking about getting his coat. If he is, then you have to learn to accept it, respect his decision and move on. No means no and not hearing the word doesn't change its meaning.



Get Out There: You’ll here about this thing called 'The Scene' and already that has you picturing flashing lights, a sweaty warehouse venue and thumping club tunes loud enough to wake the dead. Well, that's just one version of it, but the Gay Scene in its broader sense includes a world beyond bars and clubs and all of that. (It's just that no one's come up with a new post-modernist moniker to describe it. Please, someone, and can you make it quick!) Anyway, think of virtually any pastime that you may be interested in and you'll find a gay based organisation that covers it: hiking, horticulture, horoscopes, Hells Angels (well, Dykes on Bikes anyway), golfing, cycling, singing, ballroom dancing … I could go on for eternity here. The best starting point, as ever, is the internet (well that’s how you’ve found LG, isn’t it?). Just one of a thousand possibilities is OutEverywhere. They do charge a subscription fee but they provide much more than just a dating service. They organise a busy range of events and are linked to other organisations also ensuring that you’ll find something suitable to your interests and age group.

Whatever you do, don't just sit there feeling lonely and helpless. Help is at hand but it may be that'll you have to make the first move and reach out for it. LG

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