GET A GRIP ON "GAYDAR"

Welcome to this quick and easy tutorial which will show you how to read 'between-the-lines' when surfing Gaydar and a 101 other, laughingly called, 'dating' sites.

This is the point at which you create your first profile and wonder if you can pass for 35 rather than 47. You may also decide to declare your physique as 'firm' (but only if you breathe in and can hold it for a weekend) and you're happy to convince yourself that you will pass for 'large', but only if caught in the glare of a well-placed, shadow-casting spotlight.

Ultimately, it's your choice how you define yourself, but here at LG we like to advocate that honesty is the best policy.

With that in mind, you might also like to consider that most websites employ detection software to ensure that all submitted photographs are genuine. Please see the illustration at the top of this column.

Now, to the tutorial proper and today's lesson : 'On my mother's grave - the cheque is in the post!"

He says … “Bisexual male …He means: … I snogged a women once when I was pissed.”
He says … “Looking for discretion …He means: … I’m a married father of five – the wife hasn’t a clue.”
He says … “My wife knows …He means: … I thought she didn’t have a clue then she found my profile.”
He says … “In a long term relationship …He means: … I’m bursting for a shag.”
He says … “Don’t do one-night stands …He means: … that’s all I ever do.”
He says … “Stocky …He means: … well overweight and fit a DD cup.”
He says … “Hung 18 year old virgin wants cam …He means: … minging ‘dad’ waiting on the other end.”
He says … “Virgin …He means: … whore of Babylon.”
He says … “Seeking first gay experience with kind person …He means: … today … now … this minute … FGS, hurry!!”