HERE'S HOW TO HIT YOUR FIRST GAY BAR

Groundwork: Before you set out you may want to conduct a little research and get surfing online. Gay bars in some areas may not be at all obvious preferring to maintain a low profile. I'd been walking past my local gay bar for years unaware it was even open, never mind gay. This is where the internet has opened our lives to a huge degree. We don't need to know someone who knows, nor do we have to embarrass ourselves by hollering across the office - 'hey guys which bars are gay around here?'.

Spartcaus!: When abroad the gay bible of the international traveller is Spartacus with its listings for every pink hotel, club, bar, sauna, beach and cruising ground there is. But be warned, the copy deadline they work to is somewhere back in the days of Russ Meyer porn flicks, so entries may not always be up to date. How many times have I planned a trip to a rated bar only to find it’s been un-queered or shut down?

The Witching Hour: A word of caution. You may want to temper your expectations of your first gay bar. You might have in mind a night of Mardi Gras mayhem, but what awaits you is closer to a drop-in centre. Not all gay bars are chrome and glass palaces. My first bar served drinks in plastic glasses, didn’t ‘do’ ice and had a carpet that stuck to the feet. Nice!

Also, many bars may not get busy until very late in the night, or at the weekends, which can be frustrating if you’re still in your marriage. Ok, so you know there's a party going on out there, but it makes sense to keep the peace and be back in your kennel by a respectable hour. If you’ve agreed boundaries abide by them.

Anyhow, a bar’s quiet hours were when I usually had the cute thing behind the counter all to myself!

Rite of Passage: Some people say why go to a gay bar at all - there are other ways to socialise. So there are, but a bar does provide an accessible and convivial environment in which to meet other gay men, one-on-one. Added to which, going to your first gay bar is like a rite-of-passage. You’ve come out and it’s time you enjoyed some inaugural partying.

The Right Fit: If you're lucky enough to live in a metropolitan area you'll be faced with a choice of bars and it may be a bit of time before you find a bar to suit you. A bar full of very young twinks and chickens may seem tempting but once inside, if you're d’un certain age you could feel a little out of place. Around the corner there'll be another bar with a broader range of ages (and where the music might not be quite so loud - and how that remark ages me!).

Out with the In Crowd – Don’t get hurt: In coming out the utter relief can result in a euphoria that has you plunging head first into the shallows. Mind you don’t bang your head.

An occasional experience of mine when I first came out was if I tagged on with the 'in' crowd. That's where the fun was being had and as I didn't have leprosy, why shouldn't I? So, there they'd be having a whale of a time and, being able to hold my own when the fur starts flying, I might throw a quip into the fray.

Well as a new boy in town that would just be too much and I'd be greeted by a tumbleweed silence over which you could hear the dead breathe. A none too subtly hissed ‘Who’s the straight?’ filled one such moment.

It's amazing how cold the air can be made to feel around a camp fire (!) but it's just an example of how gay people in a group, no matter how out they are, can display all the old insecurities and vulnerabilities of polare days and, if inclined, freeze you out.

Well shut the door if you're stopping!: If it happens - try not to take it too much to heart. That same group today I can have rocking with laughter and they'll egg me on to be even more outrageous, but that's because they know me now. I'm trusted. I've earned my diamante spurs as it were. It took time though. It takes time. That's gay living for you, so never think it's going to be easy.

BE A HAPPY HOMO

LG takes a step back and offers some sane advice on a no-fuss route to becoming a contented homosexualist:

How Gay Is You?: You don't have to put on a dog collar and wear a cassock to be a priest. By the same token you don't have to dress in Gucci with D&G undies and Emporio Armani sunglasses to be gay. You are gay because that was how you were born, and it had nothing to do with the day you're mum sent you to school in your sister's knickers, cos yours were still wet on the line. Don't fret either about what kind of gay you are. There is no model of gayness that you need to conform to. You won't have to make a choice as to whether you sign up for Camp Norton or count yourself as straight as Simon Cowell. What matters is that you are true to yourself.

The Body Perfect: If you've too little hair, you feel short, you're conscious of your spare tyre and you wish you had a bigger member then there’s a quick and easy solution to these set-backs. It comes in a big bottle marked 'Get Over It - Nobody's Perfect!'. Truth is, we all have limitations and not even David Beckham roles out of bed in the morning beaming with self-satisfaction. No! Trust me - he doesn't! What you can do though is make the most of what you have. If hair loss is a problem, keep what you do have tidy; if it's a spare tyre you're worried about, well a little healthy living might improve that; and as for matters of manhood, it's not what you've got its what you do with.

You may also take comfort from the 'fact' that, apparently, as a gay man you will have a longer and thicker penis than the average; that you'll emit a different armpit odour to your straight counterpart while also preferring hairless ones; or that you are more likely to have a counterwise hair pattern. On the other hand you might prefer to tell yourself that life is too short to spend time worrying about such randomn theories.

Remember the old joke:-

Adam: My mother made me a homosexual.

Steve: If I give her the wool will she make me one too!

The Right Stuff: Looking for Mr.Right is not like shopping for a sofa and you’ll definitely wait more than 28 days for delivery. It takes time. Be prepared also for lots of coffee-dates with guys that on paper seemed perfect, but in real life SO wrong. What's half-an-hour out of your week? Also it's no bad way to meet new friends, even if they turn out not to have the right stuff.

The chances of success in this field are utterly organic and run screaming from the first person that thinks The Apprentice is a good model for boyfriend recruiting. You don't have to jump through anyone's hoops if you don't want to. You'll know it's right when you feel it, but a word of caution - you can never be sure that he's going to feel it the same way. These things take their time and you could well get to a situation where you're ready to pick out the furniture but he's thinking about getting his coat. If he is, then you have to learn to accept it, respect his decision and move on. No means no and not hearing the word doesn't change its meaning.

Get Out There: You’ll here about this thing called 'The Scene' and already that has you picturing flashing lights, a sweaty warehouse venue and thumping club tunes loud enough to wake the dead. Well, that's just one version of it, but the Gay Scene in its broader sense includes a world beyond bars and clubs and all of that. (It's just that no one's come up with a new post-modernist moniker to describe it. Please, someone, and can you make it quick!) Anyway, think of virtually any pastime that you may be interested in and you'll find a gay based organisation that covers it: hiking, horticulture, horoscopes, Hells Angels (well, Dykes on Bikes anyway), golfing, cycling, singing, ballroom dancing … I could go on for eternity here. The best starting point, as ever, is the internet (well that’s how you’ve found LG, isn’t it?). Just one of a thousand possibilities is OutEverywhere. They do charge a subscription fee but they provide much more than just a dating service. They organise a busy range of events and are linked to other organisations also ensuring that you’ll find something suitable to your interests and age group.

Whatever you do, don't just sit there feeling lonely and helpless. Help is at hand but it may be that'll you have to make the first move and reach out for it. LG

GET A GRIP ON "GAYDAR"

Welcome to this quick and easy tutorial which will show you how to read 'between-the-lines' when surfing Gaydar and a 101 other, laughingly called, 'dating' sites.

This is the point at which you create your first profile and wonder if you can pass for 35 rather than 47. You may also decide to declare your physique as 'firm' (but only if you breathe in and can hold it for a weekend) and you're happy to convince yourself that you will pass for 'large', but only if caught in the glare of a well-placed, shadow-casting spotlight.

Ultimately, it's your choice how you define yourself, but here at LG we like to advocate that honesty is the best policy.

With that in mind, you might also like to consider that most websites employ detection software to ensure that all submitted photographs are genuine. Please see the illustration at the top of this column.

Now, to the tutorial proper and today's lesson : 'On my mother's grave - the cheque is in the post!"

He says … “Bisexual male …He means: … I snogged a women once when I was pissed.”
He says … “Looking for discretion …He means: … I’m a married father of five – the wife hasn’t a clue.”
He says … “My wife knows …He means: … I thought she didn’t have a clue then she found my profile.”
He says … “In a long term relationship …He means: … I’m bursting for a shag.”
He says … “Don’t do one-night stands …He means: … that’s all I ever do.”
He says … “Stocky …He means: … well overweight and fit a DD cup.”
He says … “Hung 18 year old virgin wants cam …He means: … minging ‘dad’ waiting on the other end.”
He says … “Virgin …He means: … whore of Babylon.”
He says … “Seeking first gay experience with kind person …He means: … today … now … this minute … FGS, hurry!!”